Last Sunday I have done one thing that I regret for whole life. I'm exaggerating. Actually I had a me time. I sent Ayra to her babysitter while I joined my friends doing facials. At the beginning, the idea sounded great, facial, movies, shopping but I never knew while they were in progress, the guilt really killed! I was restless and I couldn't wait to fetch her. The thought "OMG. Your face is more important than your daughter?So despicable!" haunted me every now and then. I think that would be the last time I am gonna have a me time. What is the use to have a me-time when you are supposed to be enjoying yourself if your conscience decided to act against you?
By the way, schedules have been crazy for me and B for this month. B has just begun a new posting at O & G and he is now in the period of tagging. Tagging means, he has to go to work before 6 AM and back the earliest at 10 PM. That means all the household responsibility fall on my shoulder. (Please Do not judge if you frequently see it's always me and Ayra hitting the mall, if not there'll be NO chance at all) There were times, B would ask me to bring Ayra to visit him at the workplace because he has no chance to meet her when she's not asleep! Me, on the other hand have the busiest month ever. Only in April alone, I have been travelling to our HQ in KL four times! Whilst B literally stays at the hospital, I am lucky I have my in laws looking after Ayra. Imagine the hassle they have to endure, because they need to send Ayra to the babysitter everyday! And they stay 1 hour apart! I feel guilty at every bit of my being but helpless at the same time. I wish I could hire a bibik.
Speaking of this, I found this excerpt I read from a magazine really described if not all mothers, well at least me. The term: maternal guilt.
I nod to every word above. The maternal guilt and the stress I had during my confinement. Marion has successfully described them in words.
